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Before 8:30

Dear Readers...,

I know that there's not a soul who reads this, but if there are a few souls who read this--they've stopped reading it. Maybe some people do read it for my lapses of sanity and what-not. I'm not upset at them, I guess it's entertaining. Reading the thoughts of someone else.

Do you think I'm depressed?

I mean, I always remember my dad saying that 'if you can say you're something (i.e, sick or crazy) then you aren't.'

Depression is a sickness, isn't it? So...would that mean I'm not? Sometimes it feels like I'm whining and other times (like night before last) I would just love to curl up and die somewhere. Somewhere nice and quiet, dark enough that I can go to sleep if I wanted but not too dark that it's distracting.

Sometimes I want to ask people, like my sister. She's probably the second most informed person about my moods (besides Caroyln) but I don't want her to worry about me. Or even think I'm doing it for some type of attention. I have a feeling that if I didn't care about what people thought about me, then I'd be a lot more happy...

Anyway, I don't know what depression feels like and I've researched it a little once. I remember not too long ago I thought I was going to be bi-polar like my mom. Sometimes I still feel like it, when I go from 0 to 10 and then back up again. It's really tiring, but maybe it's just how I am.

Like how some people have a tendency to wipe hand sanitizer onto a mouse before they use it, maybe I just happened to have a high...emotional metabolisim...

Sounds pretty shitty and I made it up...

What if there is nothing wrong with me? What if I really am just a string of bad/weird habits tied together to make this distortion of a reflection?
I want to know why I feel the way I do because it seems like no one feels like I do. Did that make sense? I mean, they don't feel things the way I would feel them. Say someone shrugs and I want to cry. Someone laughs and I giggle before going and lying down. Someone cries a little and I cry alot.

I cry a lot, nowadays. It's tiring....so very tiring.

I should talk to Caroyln about it but I'm afraid. What if I ask and she tells me that I'm not and then...then I'll just be me again. I'll be this habit that has no reason. No explanation. Just floating along before another idea grips me as to what could be my malfunction and then, then I'm doing it all over again. I feel pathetic because it seems like I'm looking for an excuse. I guess you could say I am, but its not so I can hurt anyone. I just want to know and maybe...ease up on myself a little.

No more downing, no more sneering at myself or saying mean things. Because I'll know that I probably can't help that I want to cry every moment of every day. Then I could take a nap with purple thoughts and not blue thoughts. I want to be better and I want to know what's making me not be better.

I just want to get through the day. I want it to hurry up and be Thursday because I can talk to Caroyln and then the next day would be Friday. I want that. Then I want sleep.



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