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Here I Am Again

Dear Readers....,


Been a while since I last posted something here, hasn't it? I've thought about it over the last few weeks. I just didn't know how to put the things I was feeling down.

Guess what? I finally moved. I got the room I wanted and everything. It's been so long since I've had windows I can look out of. I have a huge one to look out of right in the middle of my room and in the cranny where my closets are (I have more than one and even a little nook where I could put some of my books) there is a smaller one. I think I may like that one better because I can sit in the corner that's near there and just look out there.

I'm nearly finished with my sock pair and I've started a ponchette! I think the only difference it has from a regular-ol' poncho is because it has sleeves but don't take my word for it. I even made a few hats! 3 for myself and I made one for a new friend.

My friend had gotten a lot of compliments on the hat and co-workers want to pay me to make them one too! She even said her grandma and her mother really liked them and she'll personally give me the yarn so I can make them one too--I'll even get paid!

I even dusted off an old project back from highschool, a crochet granny blanket. It's getting pretty big to carry around so I've kept at home as a home-based project. It's nice to sit down and work on these things, sometimes. It makes me really happy.

In other news, yesterday was my last meeting with Caroyln. I'll miss her. She's graduating (I had forgotten that she was a student) but I can still go there for therapy. I have to wait 3 months though, she said so I could have a chance and be independant and stuff like that, you know. Use what she taught me and not going down hill because it's the only hill I see at the time.

I'll miss her, she was really nice to me and I wish I could have more time with her. She asked if I wanted another day before my discharge date to make up for the day that I missed (Last Thursday I didn't see her because the recepionist had screwed up a bit) but I said no.

A big part of me was upset that I said no but then I reasoned with myself saying that it would end only the next Thursday. Better to get it over with fast then draw it out.

I was really upset, though. I felt lonely because she was the only one I could talk too about these sort of things. I cried a little after I left her office and I think she knew how I felt, I'm pretty easy to read after all...

I'm going to try and not think about it. I don't want too. It'll make me sad and I'm really tired of being sad.

I'm tired of being stressed and sad and tired and everything in between. Sometimes I think about the world if I weren't here. Like, if I got into an accident and just...went away.

Sometimes I think about going away on purpose but I don't think I have the guts or the means to do it. My family and friends will be sad but I think they'll get over it.

I don't want to talk any more.

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