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September 10th, 2013

Tuesdays Before Class

Dear Readers...,

Hm.
How are you? It's been a while and I've thought of writing to you often. My summer is now over, so no more of the darkened anxiety of waiting for school to start. Ah, what a vicious cycle.
Wanting school to start to get it over with and have something to do but always trapped in that panic of never being able to do anything 'right'.

Anyway, I'm not here to pull out my sad dribble onto these pages. How come you've never told me what a downer I was while reading this? A un-subtle downer, at least. I'm a bit surprised to find out that all of my confessions--if some made sense--were pretty bleak.

Well, anyway, I've begun my 2nd year on this campus and I'm still trying to find my footing around here. Nothing has changed, more or less. Everything is the same but I have to say that something in me may have changed.
I walk a bit easier. Not so ready to inject thoughts into stranger's head about what they might see when they look at me. I can almost say that I don't care.
But I do care. That's a whole different post that will, undoubtedly, send me back into my mooning for a reason for why the fuck I am the way I am.

Let's see...over the summer, I've had my heart broken by a man named Brian. That will also be talked over sooner or later--perhaps the next time I think of him and realize that 'heart broken' are words that are too powerful for the likes of him.

I've caught up on some reading, God bless me--I'm reading again! I never realize how much I missed it until I started over again. The hunger of words is only a pang in the pit of my stomach but it's present...thank goodness!

Therapy will begin next Tuesday. A little word about that, I almost gave in and got a male therapist but I knew that would end so badly. I can't talk about these things to a dude! The man who went over the details for me was a very handsome man and I'm pretty sure he saw how wide my eyes got when he called my name.
Just almost falling for him for being so careful with me was proof that I needed someone I wouldn't have an awful crush on. So, I swallowed my desire to touch his soft brown hair and gritted my teeth around the preference 'Female'.

Damn it all...

As of right now, I'm alright. In this moment. I'm...content, I guess. Nothing has really happened--my class doesn't start until 11:45 and even then it's a lecture and my day will be over at 2:50.

I have so many thoughts I want to share with you all but I fear that if I put them here...they will be just a jumbled mess of goopy words that passes as thoughts. So, I shall wait and see what will happen to me through out the day and, hell, maybe I'll write to you again.

Let's hope this good mood lasts, yes?

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