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Dear Readers...,

I'm about this close to posting some weird ad on some weird site to have some weird guy who may be interested in little ol' me.
Remember how I said that Brian was a story to happen later? Well, today isn't that day but I want you to know that I did see him again. Walking along with someone else. He stopped and said hello and every thing but I'll tell you some other time what happened and what happened before that.
I just don't really feel like it right now.

Anyway, I've been getting some reading done which really makes me happy. Does 'So Many Books, So Little Time: A Year Of Passionate Reading'? I read it over the summer but I think of it very often. It's about a woman who reads back to back over the next year--not really a book report but not really a memoir. It was as if she were me.
Maybe if I was white and married and had a kid and was older and had a haircut like Liza Minnelli.

I feel a bit off at the moment, things are buzzing around in my head but I think I just need a good book to read. I'm making a book-list to visit my library--I hope they have them all. Hell, I'll probably flip my coins if the main branch down here doesn't have any of the books I want.

They better or I'll scream...

Tuesdays Before Class

Dear Readers...,

Hm.
How are you? It's been a while and I've thought of writing to you often. My summer is now over, so no more of the darkened anxiety of waiting for school to start. Ah, what a vicious cycle.
Wanting school to start to get it over with and have something to do but always trapped in that panic of never being able to do anything 'right'.

Anyway, I'm not here to pull out my sad dribble onto these pages. How come you've never told me what a downer I was while reading this? A un-subtle downer, at least. I'm a bit surprised to find out that all of my confessions--if some made sense--were pretty bleak.

Well, anyway, I've begun my 2nd year on this campus and I'm still trying to find my footing around here. Nothing has changed, more or less. Everything is the same but I have to say that something in me may have changed.
I walk a bit easier. Not so ready to inject thoughts into stranger's head about what they might see when they look at me. I can almost say that I don't care.
But I do care. That's a whole different post that will, undoubtedly, send me back into my mooning for a reason for why the fuck I am the way I am.

Let's see...over the summer, I've had my heart broken by a man named Brian. That will also be talked over sooner or later--perhaps the next time I think of him and realize that 'heart broken' are words that are too powerful for the likes of him.

I've caught up on some reading, God bless me--I'm reading again! I never realize how much I missed it until I started over again. The hunger of words is only a pang in the pit of my stomach but it's present...thank goodness!

Therapy will begin next Tuesday. A little word about that, I almost gave in and got a male therapist but I knew that would end so badly. I can't talk about these things to a dude! The man who went over the details for me was a very handsome man and I'm pretty sure he saw how wide my eyes got when he called my name.
Just almost falling for him for being so careful with me was proof that I needed someone I wouldn't have an awful crush on. So, I swallowed my desire to touch his soft brown hair and gritted my teeth around the preference 'Female'.

Damn it all...

As of right now, I'm alright. In this moment. I'm...content, I guess. Nothing has really happened--my class doesn't start until 11:45 and even then it's a lecture and my day will be over at 2:50.

I have so many thoughts I want to share with you all but I fear that if I put them here...they will be just a jumbled mess of goopy words that passes as thoughts. So, I shall wait and see what will happen to me through out the day and, hell, maybe I'll write to you again.

Let's hope this good mood lasts, yes?

Pringles Lodged In My Throat

Dear readers...,

I won't say it's been a while since I last posted because I have a feeling I've always said that when I post something. I remember a time when nothing was happening in my life (or so I thought) but I wrote everyday to this page.

I remember heat and a second floor room across from a kind realtive, a window screening the plays of the lives of those around me (mostly across the street because the window always faced north) and me, just eager for someone to read something that I've done for that day.

A funny thing I just realized, I've started to become accostomed to be asked just how my day went but I never anwser truthfully. If I had a great day, I will say 'it was alright'. If I had a horrid day, I would shrug and reply 'it was alright'.

Why is that?

Now that so many feelings, so many thoughts, so many things are happening to me--I suddenly have no time. Is that when you realize you are living life? When you think about how much time was spent but you can't remember on what?
You never remember the correct time of being sad or being happy or just being tired. I think it's because we never rolled over and found a clock to do so.

When we're happy--we never want that moment to end. Yet, it always does. When we're sad, we want it to be over and done with...but it never seems to be an ending in sight.

Why is that?

Why does shouting in your room sounds like shouting in a desert? Is it because no one answers? Crying sounds like screaming but no one screams back because, or so I think, it's because it's already loud.

I don't know who or what I am. I wanted to be something spectacular, like so magic being or even a superhero so I can go around and fly and safe people and they smile at me because I did.

Now I just want to be something I can name.

Now I really want to know why that is so hard. Am I really a person with a personality or am I just a whole bunch of habits strung together? How can I name all of the habits (if I am them) if I don't know why I do it?

Why do I read books and always fall in love with the older man? The safe, smart one? It isn't father issues--my dad is around. He's a good father. I was never abandoned by him.

If life goes by so fast and my youth is at risk of being destroyed by it--why does it all feel so slow when things get quiet? Well, then things are fast and exciting--that's when it speeds up a little but you really can't enjoy it because it, youknow, goes too fast. Then when it's all gone you're left with a quiet.

Guess it depends on what type of quiet. The one I want always goes to fast but the one I don't want doesn't move at all.

Why does reading books like To Kill a Mocking Bird and Exteremly Loud and Increadibly Close makes me want the father to be my husband.

Why do I always get sad but then be happy but find a reason to be sad only to get angry and be happy again before ignoring everything all together and go to sleep?

Why do I always eat Pringles when I want more when I run out....it makes me hungry.

Here I Am Again

Dear Readers....,


Been a while since I last posted something here, hasn't it? I've thought about it over the last few weeks. I just didn't know how to put the things I was feeling down.

Guess what? I finally moved. I got the room I wanted and everything. It's been so long since I've had windows I can look out of. I have a huge one to look out of right in the middle of my room and in the cranny where my closets are (I have more than one and even a little nook where I could put some of my books) there is a smaller one. I think I may like that one better because I can sit in the corner that's near there and just look out there.

I'm nearly finished with my sock pair and I've started a ponchette! I think the only difference it has from a regular-ol' poncho is because it has sleeves but don't take my word for it. I even made a few hats! 3 for myself and I made one for a new friend.

My friend had gotten a lot of compliments on the hat and co-workers want to pay me to make them one too! She even said her grandma and her mother really liked them and she'll personally give me the yarn so I can make them one too--I'll even get paid!

I even dusted off an old project back from highschool, a crochet granny blanket. It's getting pretty big to carry around so I've kept at home as a home-based project. It's nice to sit down and work on these things, sometimes. It makes me really happy.

In other news, yesterday was my last meeting with Caroyln. I'll miss her. She's graduating (I had forgotten that she was a student) but I can still go there for therapy. I have to wait 3 months though, she said so I could have a chance and be independant and stuff like that, you know. Use what she taught me and not going down hill because it's the only hill I see at the time.

I'll miss her, she was really nice to me and I wish I could have more time with her. She asked if I wanted another day before my discharge date to make up for the day that I missed (Last Thursday I didn't see her because the recepionist had screwed up a bit) but I said no.

A big part of me was upset that I said no but then I reasoned with myself saying that it would end only the next Thursday. Better to get it over with fast then draw it out.

I was really upset, though. I felt lonely because she was the only one I could talk too about these sort of things. I cried a little after I left her office and I think she knew how I felt, I'm pretty easy to read after all...

I'm going to try and not think about it. I don't want too. It'll make me sad and I'm really tired of being sad.

I'm tired of being stressed and sad and tired and everything in between. Sometimes I think about the world if I weren't here. Like, if I got into an accident and just...went away.

Sometimes I think about going away on purpose but I don't think I have the guts or the means to do it. My family and friends will be sad but I think they'll get over it.

I don't want to talk any more.

Before 8:30

Dear Readers...,


I know that there's not a soul who reads this, but if there are a few souls who read this--they've stopped reading it. Maybe some people do read it for my lapses of sanity and what-not. I'm not upset at them, I guess it's entertaining. Reading the thoughts of someone else.

Do you think I'm depressed?

I mean, I always remember my dad saying that 'if you can say you're something (i.e, sick or crazy) then you aren't.'

Depression is a sickness, isn't it? So...would that mean I'm not? Sometimes it feels like I'm whining and other times (like night before last) I would just love to curl up and die somewhere. Somewhere nice and quiet, dark enough that I can go to sleep if I wanted but not too dark that it's distracting.

Sometimes I want to ask people, like my sister. She's probably the second most informed person about my moods (besides Caroyln) but I don't want her to worry about me. Or even think I'm doing it for some type of attention. I have a feeling that if I didn't care about what people thought about me, then I'd be a lot more happy...

Anyway, I don't know what depression feels like and I've researched it a little once. I remember not too long ago I thought I was going to be bi-polar like my mom. Sometimes I still feel like it, when I go from 0 to 10 and then back up again. It's really tiring, but maybe it's just how I am.

Like how some people have a tendency to wipe hand sanitizer onto a mouse before they use it, maybe I just happened to have a high...emotional metabolisim...

Sounds pretty shitty and I made it up...

What if there is nothing wrong with me? What if I really am just a string of bad/weird habits tied together to make this distortion of a reflection?
I want to know why I feel the way I do because it seems like no one feels like I do. Did that make sense? I mean, they don't feel things the way I would feel them. Say someone shrugs and I want to cry. Someone laughs and I giggle before going and lying down. Someone cries a little and I cry alot.

I cry a lot, nowadays. It's tiring....so very tiring.

I should talk to Caroyln about it but I'm afraid. What if I ask and she tells me that I'm not and then...then I'll just be me again. I'll be this habit that has no reason. No explanation. Just floating along before another idea grips me as to what could be my malfunction and then, then I'm doing it all over again. I feel pathetic because it seems like I'm looking for an excuse. I guess you could say I am, but its not so I can hurt anyone. I just want to know and maybe...ease up on myself a little.

No more downing, no more sneering at myself or saying mean things. Because I'll know that I probably can't help that I want to cry every moment of every day. Then I could take a nap with purple thoughts and not blue thoughts. I want to be better and I want to know what's making me not be better.

I just want to get through the day. I want it to hurry up and be Thursday because I can talk to Caroyln and then the next day would be Friday. I want that. Then I want sleep.

Tangled Up

Dear Readers....,


I guess some of you are probably wondering what the hell happened last night. Nothing really happened. At least, nothing that my brain thought would be important enough to remember.

I just felt really bad about myself.

I feel kinda bad about myself right now, actually. Funny, I've just watched Tangled. Y'know, that Disney movie about Repunzel? It's really touching and cute and funny.

You'd think I'd be in a better mood.

I don't know. I guess it's just been a funky weekend. I haven't really been myself lately...whatever that means as I don't even know what myself is in the first place.

I don't know. I'm just tired. I want things to be easy, moreso for me to understand.

All of my words are jumbled up and sluggish and fast and weird. I feel like I'm decending into something, when I get like this. Maybe not into madness, but into something weird. I don't know...

I don't know a lot of things.

I'm Tired

Hello Readers,


Been a while, yes? It has. I don't know how long, though.

I think about this journal almost everyday, though. Thats funny. I think about it but I don't post. I mean too but either something pop up or I forget. Or both.

I'm sad though.

I really want to cry.

My family's spirit is broken, only a few smiles and chuckles here and there. My older sister can't talk to me because she doesn't want me to worry about what worries her.

I tell her that she can but I know deep down, it'll cause me to turn into a wreck as well.

I'm useless right now and I fear I'll be useless forever.

God, this feeling is eating away at me. It hurts so much because I feel so alone. It feels like I shouldn't have the audacity to cry. I feel so small and dark and lonely. I have many good days where I laugh and forget to be sad, only a lingering blue mood in the back of my mind. I ignore it. I keep busy. I feel beautiful.

But a day like today where it's back and forth and back and forth..happy sad...happy sad sad sad sad sad...

I'm so tired of being sad. I'm tired of it being so hard sometimes to want to wake up in the morning and not be the casualty of some dormant disease that ran it's course inside me. I'm not a slave, I'm not abused, I'm not living in too harsh of an enviroment...but I just don't want to live sometimes.

I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of seeing the people I love the most being damaged by my exsistence. I'm another mouth to feed, a feeling to ensure isn't hurt, a head for a roof. I try my hardest, but I never do enough. All I can repay in is my own willingness to be an ear. Even then, I don't want to be because the trouble piles on top of my own.

I want to cut so badly but I promised Caroyln I wouldn't. I just want these feelings OUT of me. I want them to go away. I want to feel as normally as a normal person would. I want to be normal. I want to be myself and not bad habits or routines strung together.

I just want everything to stop and everything to begin anew. Where I have the anwsers. I want to not be here anymore. Not on earth. I want my life to be given to someone who deserves it. A baby that couldn'tve been born or a inevator who needs another chance.

So I can be useful that way.

I feel so fucking sorry for myself. I hate myself right now. So much. I can't do anything. I can't do anything at all.

It's a Jogging Pants Day

Dear Readers....,


Okay, so today my tummy aches and it's raining and it's Friday. So I'm wearing my lovely jogging pants with a few questionable bleach stains here and there!
I have no regrets. I have a feeling I'm going to have a good day today, so I hope I am.
I'm going to the last of my new classes for the first time, a computer science class. A friend of mine has the same thing, so he tells me that it's in the basement of the library we like to frequent and it happens to be very hot.

I hate being hot.

Hopefully we have different rooms, though, because I do not

Anyway, I went to go see Carolyn yesterday. I'll still be seeing her on a Thursday but it'll be later on in the day since I have early classes. I don't mind it, though. We had a good session yesterday and went over a lot of stuff. I didn't get emotional, well, not really.

Not the emotional you think I got! I didn't cry or anything, but I did get really embaressed when I told her about my crush.

You see, before going to see Carolyn--I had a class with a friend of mine! We had the same Communication class first semester and we were so happy to see each other in that room filled with strangers! Our first assignment (to get to know our peers better) was to turn to the person near us and began an interview so we can write an one-paged article about them to turn in.

So, of course she and I began chatting up.

Now, I think we're closer than before now because we really asked some really good questions. Like she loves Pride and Prejudice! The book and the movie! So that was really surprisng, and she called me bubbly (which a lot of people actually does...strange!)

Then I kinda let it slipped I had a crush on someone.

She asked who and I did this God-awful look to him and she burst into giggles!

Now, I'm that girl who giggles when she's embaressed--so que about 20 minutes worth of laughter and horrified self-humiliation.

She said to talk to him and I squeaked out that I would....sooner or later.

More laughter.

I smile just thinking about it!

His name is Christopher and he writes for the school newspaper. He's 18, a freshman, and wears such a lovely attire. He was in our class as well first semester, a huge lecture but I remember seeing his hat down by the front rows. It's-It's a really distinctive hat! It's like he was born to be a reporter! And he wears blazers with ties and jeans that aren't small or skinny.

His voice....his voice is like if Captain America was never modernized and Bucky was never modernized too, Christopher's voice would be Bucky's. And he's so nice and friendly and funny and open and has a cute nose...I suspect his hair is kinda curly but I wouldn't know, he's always wearing that hat...

Yes....I went there.

And I said it to Carolyn too.

Then she asked me what was stopping me! I said I didn't look his type! She asked: Did you ask him? I said: Well, no. But he probably has a girlfriend! Then she asked: Have you asked him? and I was all:....no...

Then she gave me homework and it was to talk to Christopher.

Nice, right?

So, monday...I have to talk to him...or the beginning of Thursday.

I'm scared! Oh goodness....the girly feels....

The feels....

But who knows...maybe I am his type.

Long walks in Snow

Dear readers....,


Hello.

Been a while, hasn't it?

Nothing much really changed. Today is my second day in my second semester. I just wish it would hurry up and be...normalicy again. I rememember how terrified I was the first semester. I'm doing it again, but I don't think it's as severe. I mean, I'm kinda used to it but not so much. New faces. New teachers. All that jazz.

I think I even found a new crush, but he isn't really important right now so I think that it's not even a crush.

I think I just really like his hat.

I've been writing, just like I promised. I even brought a new journal because I filled up the other one. I brought it for myself as a Christmas gift and it's with me right now.

I feel sort of empty right now, not panicking and not sad. I think it's because I really don't have anything to do at the moment. I finished my homework, maybe I should go visit my last semester math teacher. She's the one who got me all the yarn and stuff, she's really nice. I don't like my new math teacher enough, well, not as much as I like her.

His name is Dan and he's 5''9.

Not that it has anything to do with how I like my other teacher more (even if she is taller than him) I think it's because he teaches a lecture hall and I almost fell asleep. That was yesterday. Even then, I don't have anything against him. He looks to be my type anyway. The type of older guy who talks to you and take care of you and all that good stuff, but he looks a bit....soft. I don't know.

I work later today. At 3.
And they called me a hard worker yesterday, even though I kinda lost it at the register. Not crying or screaming or being mean--but I lost my rhythem and sort of kept the line slow. It wasn't really nothing, now that I look back at it. I did my best, after all. I know it's going to be busy again, so I hope people will remain paitent with me and that I take stuff in easily enough.

I'm going to try taking a nap upstairs now. Can't be too hard, right? I see people do it all the time.

A Workin' Gal Ramblings

Dearest Readers....,


Another Thursday in a library--but my spirits are higher than before!

I got the job!

Yup, I'm a cashier now and I'm so excited about it. It's only a temporary job--but I love it already. I like being nice to people and having them smile back at me. The whole bagging thing could use some work and I have to practice answering the phone--but I like it.

I like being a workin' gal and not the kind of workin' gal you see in fishnets with dangerous, promising smiles. I work in a bright green shirt with excited and customer friendly smiles!

I think the higher-ups like me as well! Hopefully, they'll like enough to keep me past the temporary mark!

Fingers and toes crossed! That's good luck, isn' it?

Other news bears that I am so close to being done with finals that I can actually breathe. My last one is tomorrow and I'm nervous, just as always, but I'm going to study hard for it today.

My other finals were either online or in paper form--the online is also tomorrow...now that I think about it--but the hard part is over because I already finished half of it.

Anyway...

I've been feeling good, I guess. I've been reading a new book--my birthday book which I forgot I had. The Last Werewolf. I think I might have told you a bit about it, I remember typing the title. I'm not sure.

Anyway, it's a really good read. I can't put it down when I pick it up and I don't want to pick it up because I think I won't be able to appreciate reading it. Jake Marlowe is my current literary character husband.

Yup. I said it.

In other news, I have so much yarn that I fear that I will not get to it all. I think that's a good thing to feel when you're a knitter, so that way you can stop buying yarn! I'll still accept it as gifts and such, the only thing knitting-related I see myself buying is perhaps new needles. Since I've learned the art of DPNs, I can work with bigger or smaller ones so I can make more projects.

Projects of Knitting as of Now:
New socks (I'm doing something I haven't before and that's making 50% of the sock ribbing pattern. The Seeded rib. Really neat and it keeps my hands busy. Sure, it gets tedious sometimes but that's why I've started a pillow case to go over one of my favorite pillows! The yarn is sooooo very soft and I can't wait to lay me face on it!

Oh, and I have a Christmas hat to finish but it's takign so long because it's a bit boring...

I have my heart set on this Farmer's Market Bag. I think it's still on Raverly. If you're a knitter, check it out. The site is the bees-knees.

I was thinking about getting more heavily into comics. Just the catwomans and maybe Zatannas. I don't know, I have a thing for comic ladies. Not a, y'know, sexual thing--but don't misunderstand me--they're hot!

I just like the way they're represented. They're so strong. I want to be like Catwoman. She's so confidant and pretty and intelligent!

So what if she isn't real. People strive to be fiction-based all the time, right? Or maybe it's just the way I'm taking it.

Ah, well. I'll talk about it to Caroyln. I see her today, I'll post something after I see her. Hopefully, though, I get to study with my friend Kiera!

Hmm....fingerless gloves?

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